Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
