I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
