it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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