She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
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