I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
