I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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