Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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