What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
