I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
