Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
