I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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