i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
They took my balls.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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