I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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