I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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