I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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