You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
