bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
