i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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