I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
