I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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