Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
