Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
