I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
