Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
