Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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