If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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