I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
