it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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