We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
