Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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