Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
