the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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