you traded sex for a burrito?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
