When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize