I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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