flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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