I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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