i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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