Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
