at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
