I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize