I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
