you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Let's get the cat blown out
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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