just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
