I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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