I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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