I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
