Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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