my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
