My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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