Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
