If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
