Me too!
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
