There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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