and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
