I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
