i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
