I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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