I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
