Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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