I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
how drunk are you?
Several
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
