First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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