dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I don't deserve a penis
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
