can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
