I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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