I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize