I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
