Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
