Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
