so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize