Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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