What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
