i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
