Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
People with herpes should wear stickers.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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